


Oppa Surguahe!

by Christian_Buddha_Chips_Against_Spaghetti



Category: Assassin's Creed - All Media Types, Overwatch (Video Game), Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, M/M, Poetic, Romantic Angst, im just im just jacob on the block, theres no way that d.va is 19
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-30 03:54:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13942032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Christian_Buddha_Chips_Against_Spaghetti/pseuds/Christian_Buddha_Chips_Against_Spaghetti
Summary: Hana is everyone's bias





	Oppa Surguahe!

**Author's Note:**

> Sexy fact: Ao3 has as many bugs as Bioshock:Remastered

 

Jacob laid bare footed and sprawled out on top of the grand piano in the middle of his very fine hallway. His eyes were fixated on one of the hundreds of paintings of his bias. She is hot damn.  

 **Duke Jacob** \- If Kpop be the seed of love, play on!

 **Servant** \- Well said my sir.

Jacob’s servant servanted some Oolong tea into Jacob’s mouth and he gurgled it down.

 **Jacob** \- Oh my poor servant, sing me a korean melody!

 **Servant** \- I am sorry master but I don’t know how to sing kpop, but I can play something on the piano.

 **Jacob** \- Yes, please play Blood Sweat and Tears.

The servant squatted onto the piano seat. He had no idea what Blood Sweat and Tears sounded like, nor knew how to play the piano. He realized this all to late and tried to stall instead.

 **Servant** \- Hana Song is your bias, isn’t she?

Jacob moaned a heavy “YES” and rolled off the piano, falling face first into the ground before jumping up and doing a TRIPLE backflip.

 **Jacob** \- When I first laid my eyes on oppa’s twitch stream beating Moe in a 1v1 Yasuo I knew that we were saranghae!

 **Servant** \- Doesn’t that make her a gamer, not a Kpop star?

 **Jacob** \- YOU DARE DEFY OPPA! GUARDS!

The servant immediately regretted his words and ran as fast as the fastest legs in the west and never returned.

**_________________________**

Mary’s thicc hairy nostrils fluttered open. The cool oceanic breeze breezed her skin and the sand sanded below her as she slowly got up.

 **Mary** \- Where the fuck is this?

The ocean was nearby, waves crashing far back. It reminded her that she was just in a ship before getting rekt by the waves.

 **Sea Captain -** This ‘murica lady.

Mary twisted her neck backwards to the man.

 **Mary -** What the fuck do I do here? What the fuck happened to my brother?

The sea captain didn’t respond, and instead smashed his face into a hard rock, marking his territory.

 **Mary -** Oh my poor brother! My big baby boyo!

 **Sea Captain** \- Fear not, for these waters are MURICA’S waters and are as free as a bird. If your brother chose to not drown then he had all the legal right to do so.

 **Mary -** Whomst governs such a free land?

 **Sea Captain** \- A sexy werewolf, Jacob Black.

 **Mary** \- Oh I want to work under a **sexywerefol** f  (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

 

 **Sea Captain -** Sorry Mary, but no woman can be near him except his oppa Hana Song.

 **Mary -** Isn’t this a free country?

 **Sea Captain -** Well I was pretty sure this was America...

 **Mary -** Whatever: CODE...TRANS!

 

Mary’s super high tech thighs formed holographic clothing and she did her whole anime transforming into a superhero in sailor moon thing and ended with a kawaii desu pose as a guy.

 

 **James:** Watch out _J~acob Black~._ Mary Read is cuming with a dikK!

 

**_____________trnsition______**

 

 **Amy Schumer:** What's wrong with my niece? Why does she think that my vagina jokes aren't funny?

 

Amy chugged down a whole bucket of red wine down her face. Her face was already stained with dried up wine with previous buckets. Petra sighed, sweeping the floor violently with a broom.

 

 **Petra:** Because they aren't funny.

 

Amy squinted her eyeball sockets towards the woman.

 

 **Amy Schumer:** You just hate women!

 

Petra sighed again, deeper this time that all the dirt and dust she made a pile of with her broom exploded into edgy confetti. This was the fifth time this had happened in the past four minutes and Petra was finally fed up, throwing the broom aside. She huffed and pointed at Amy.

 

 **Petra:** YOU! You need to stop drinking! You and your uncultured friend keep cuming here and I have to clean it up!

 **Amy Schumer:** You mean Torbjorn? The mAN WITH A PLAN? Oh speak of the devil!

 

Torbjorn ran inside and hopped into a barrel of wine. His head emerged from the surface.

 

 **Torbjorn:** Aye, tis I!

 **Petra:** Screw you guys, I’m going home.

 

***Petra exits***

 

 **Amy Schumer:** So, Torbjorn. When are you going to make a move on Hana?

 **Torbjorn:** Stop bothering with that.

 **Amy Schumer:** Torbjorn and Hana sitting in a tree! K I S S I N-

 **Torbjorn:** ALRIGHT **!** For a comedian Amy, I don’t find you funny at all!

 **Amy Schumer:** Ok on a serious note, you need this engagement.

 **Torbjorn:** I’m a married man, Amy. My youngest daughter is older than Hana! I can’t love her!

 **Amy Schumer:** Love… Love isn’t the point!

 

Amy grabbed Torbjorn by his thiCc beard and pulled him out of the barrel of wine.

 

 **Amy Schumer:** The point… is MONEY! Five thousands dollars worth of donations everyday from streaming alone! You know how much wine you can buy with that? We could be swimmin’ in pools of the richest wines!

 **Torbjorn:** But we can afford cheap wine just fine!

 **Amy Schumer:** Not anymore! More and more people are becoming sexist and not paying no more to see my stand-up comedy! And you keep spending your fair on your twelve children!

 **Torbjorn:** But how am I, a dwarf grandpa suppose to woo a small- well bigger than me but still small in comparison to most people- girl for her money? Isn’t it usually the other way around? Anyways doesn’t that sexy w **erewo** lf, Duke Jacob love her too? Am I supposed to compete with him?

 **Amy Schumer:** Nay, I know Hana. After the death of her 21 hour speedrun of all the existing Zelda games when her computer crashed, she said that for the next 7 years she would not marry any man.

 **Torbjorn:** What does a game crash with a zelda speedrun have to do with marrying men?

 **Amy Schumer:** Now now, we mustn't worry about the fine details. Come, let’s drink.

__________________________________

 

 **Servant:** Wow Kidd, it’s only been three days with the Duke and he already treats you like his best friend. I’m impressed!

 

A crunchy smirk formed on Kidd’s face.

 

 **James:** Oh, I thank thee. I have my way with words.

 

James really wasn’t happy though. He loved Jacob, but knew that he would never return his love for now he was a man. Being best friends is most their relationship will be. Thinking of this saddened him and a tear rolled down his cheek.

 

***Enter Jacob***

 

 **Jacob:** Where is James! Come now, James!

 

James couldn’t help but smile when Jacob walked into the room. He was hot daMn.

 

 **Jacob:** James! I need you to go now to Hana’s house and confess my saranghae for her.

 **lames:** And how would I do that?

 **Jacob:** Express my deepest feelings for her! Dazzle her with examples of my faithfulness! Ka-grazzle her with my compassion and sincerity! Show her my trueness and virtue that I hold for oppa ugu~ OpPA! Hada oppa believe nae an-e! Nal-in oppa with nae keun geosigi! naneun jeongmallo myeonglanghago, jeongmallo gyeongjeog-ida. naneun aenimeisyeon poleunoleul bonda….

 

James tried his best to write what he could understand onto his hello kitty notebook while Jacob continued to ramble in Korean.

 

 **James:** Ok ok, I think I got it. Goodbye now.

 **Jacob:** Oh, and don’t forget to act something out! Annyeong!

 **James:** :-^(

 

______________________________________

 **Hana:** I’m never playing games again!

 **Ron the Weasel: *Mocking Hana*** I’m never playing games again!

 **Hana:** Someone take away this weasel!

 **Ron the Weasel: *Squeaks*** You’re a weasel! >:-^(

 **Hana:** Nuh-UH!

 **Ron:** Yeah huh!

 **Hana:** Nuh-UH!

 **Ron:** Nuh-UH!

 **Hana:** Yeah-huh! Wait!

 **Ron:** HA! You’re a weaaaasel!

 **Malfoy:** You’re _so_ immature Ron. I hope that all of your chocolate chip cookies turn into RAISIN COOKIES!

 **Hana:** Shut up kid. Ron is funny.

 **Ron:** Yeah, shut up kid!

 **Malfoy:** Why are you on his side all of a sudden?!

 **Ron:** We’re all kids Malfoy, this is how kids argue.

 **Malfoy:** Hana isn’t a kid idiot.

 **Ron:** Then why does she look younger than you?

 **Malfoy:** Damn you. Someone's at the door. I’ll be back.

 

***Exit Malfoy***

***Enter James***

 

 **Hana:** Shit dude were you at the door?

 **James:** Aye. But I decided to go through a window instead since some kid told me I wasn’t allowed in.

 **Hana:** State your reason for coming in uninvited before I shoot you with my Dirito shurikens.!

 **James:** Trouble not mistress. I’m here to deliver a message from the **_fair D_ ** uke Jacob.

 **Hana:** Oh boy.

 **James:** Madam, he uh saranghaes you!

 **Hana:** For the last time, just because I'm a Korean beauty doesn’t make me a Kpop star!

 **James:** Then what are you?

 **Hana:** I play video games! I’m a gamer!

 **James:** Well that does not matter. Jacob’s heart is plagued and can only be healed by your touch. He mourns for your attention.

 **Hana:** He’s a desperate virgin!

 **James:** No madam, he is in love. Any man that loves as much as he, would be the same.

 **Hana:** What if you did? Would you do the same?

 **James:** Yes, of course. I’d do anything to be with her. And if she rejects me I’ll make no sense of it. I’d build a nest beside your window and sing sad songs about unrequited love loudly all night. I’ll scream and shout and let it all out. You wouldn’t leave your home without pitying me.

 **Hana:** That’s very desperate and virginy but it sounds kind of sweet from you. I’m sorry but I can’t return my love for Jacob. I’m 19 years old and he’s like 30!

 **James:** He’s sixteen.

 

Hana spat out her saliva.

 

 **Hana:** WHAT? Damn he looks old! Marrying a person who’s younger than you but looks waay older? That’s even worse! Now get out of here and tell Jacob to never bother me again!

 **James:** Chow.

 

***Exit James***

 

 **Hana:** How old do you think he is? Oh he sounds as underaged as I look!

 **Ron:** No younger than a boy but no older than a man.

 **Hana:** I think I’m in love!

 

**Wow what will happen next? ???**

**Author's Note:**

> Oolong tea is my oppa


End file.
